Legally Funny Jokes
You know you work at a law firm if . . .
1. You've sat at the same desk for four years and worked for three different departments.
2. You've worked at the same firm for 10 years and worked for 6 different attorneys.
3. Your resume is on a diskette in your pocket.
4. You get really excited about a 2% pay raise.
5. Your biggest loss from a system crash is that you lose your best
jokes.
6. Your supervisor doesn't have the ability to do your job.
7. Most days, you have the ability to do your boss's job.
8. Salaries of the members on the Executive Committee are higher
than all the Third World countries' annual budgets combined.
9. It's dark when you drive to and from work.
10. Communication is something your department is having problems with.
11. You see a good-looking person and know it is a visitor.
12. Free food left over from meetings is your main staple.
13. Being sick is defined as can't walk or you're in the hospital.
14. You're already late on the work task you just got.
15. You work 200 hours for the $100 bonus check and jubilantly say
"Oh wow, thanks!"
16. Your supervisors' favorite lines are "when you get a few minutes", "in your spare time", "when you're freed up", and "I have
an
opportunity for you."
17. Vacation is something you roll over to next year or a check you get every January.
18. Your relatives and family describe your job as "works with computers".
19. When your boss says "we have a brief we need to file tomorrow -
I need you here early" means: "come in early, wait all day, skip lunch and plan to stay late because I won't give you the first draft until 3:30 and we really have until the last Federal Express leaves the airport to get it out."
20. You can comprehend just about all of the above.
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best deposition questions
These are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters who had the torment
of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place:
----------------------------------------------
Q: What is your date of birth?
A: July fifteenth.
Q: What year?
A: Every year.
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Q: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
A: Yes.
Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
A: I forget.
Q: You forget. Can you give us an example of something that you've forgotten?
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Q: How old is your son, the one living with you?
A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
Q: How long has he lived with you?
A: Forty-five years.
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke that morning?
A: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
Q: And why did that upset you?
A: My name is Susan.
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Q: And where was the location of the accident?
A: Approximately milepost 499.
Q: And where is milepost 499?
A: Probably between milepost 498 and 500.
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Q: Sir, what is your IQ?
A: Well, I can see pretty well, I think.
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Q: Did you blow your horn or anything?
A: After the accident?
Q: Before the accident.
A: Sure, I played for ten years. I even went to school for
it.
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Q: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in
voodoo or the occult?
A: We both do.
Q: Voodoo?
A: We do.
Q: You do?
A: Yes, voodoo.
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Q: Trooper, when you stopped the defendant, were your red and blue lights flashing?
A: Yes.
Q: Did the defendant say anything when she got out of her
car?
A: Yes, sir.
Q: What did she say?
A: What disco am I at?
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Q: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Q: The youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is he?
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August eighth?
A: Yes.
Q: And what were you doing at that time?
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Q: She had three children, right?
A: Yes.
Q: How many were boys?
A: None.
Q: Were there any girls?
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Q: You say the stairs went down to the basement?
A: Yes.
Q: And these stairs, did they go up also?
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Q: How was your first marriage terminated?
A: By death.
Q: And by whose death was it terminated?
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Q: Can you describe the individual?
A: He was about medium height and had a beard.
Q: Was this a male, or a female?
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a
deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead
people?
A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Q: All your responses must be oral, OK? What school did you
go to?
A: Oral.
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?
A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing
an autopsy.
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check
for
a pulse?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for blood pressure?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for breathing?
A: No.
Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when
you began the autopsy?
A: No.
Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
Q: But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?
A: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere.
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Did you hear that the Post Office just recalled their newest stamps?
They had pictures of lawyers on them ... and
people
couldn't figure out which side to spit on.
How are an apple and a lawyer alike?
They both look good hanging from a tree.
Did you hear about the new sushi bar that caters
exclusively to lawyers?
It's called, Sosumi.
How can a pregnant woman tell that she's carrying
a future lawyer?
She has an uncontrollable craving for bologna.
How does an attorney sleep?
First he lies on one side, then he lies on the
other.
How many lawyers does it take to screw in a light
bulb?
Three, One to climb the ladder. One to shake it.
And one to sue the ladder company.
If a lawyer and an IRS agent were both drowning,
and you could only save one of them, would you go to lunch or read the
Paper?
What are lawyers good for?
They make used car salesmen look good.
What did the terrorist that hijacked a jumbo-jet
full of lawyers do?
He threatened to release one every hour if his
demands weren't met.
What do you call 25 attorneys buried up to their
chins in cement?
Not enough cement.
What do you call 25 skydiving lawyers?
Skeet.
What do you call a lawyer gone bad.
"Senator"
What do you call a lawyer with an IQ of 50?
"Your Honor."
What do you throw to a drowning lawyer?
His partners.
What's the difference between a lawyer and a
liar?
The pronunciation.
What's the difference between a lawyer and a
prostitute?
A prostitute will stop screwing you when you're
dead.
What's the difference between a lawyer and a
vulture?
The lawyer gets frequent flyer miles.
What's the difference between a mosquito and a
lawyer?
One is a blood-sucking parasite, the other is an
insect.
Why did God make snakes just before lawyers?
To practice.
Why does
California
have the most lawyers in the country,
and New Jersey
have the most toxic waste sites?
New Jersey
got first choice.
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Another lawyer
A small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness to the stand in a trial -- a grandmotherly, elderly woman. He approached her and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?" She responded, "Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a young boy. And frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a rising big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you will never amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you." The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs. Williams, do you know the defense attorney?" She replied, "Why, yes I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. I used to baby-sit him for his parents. And he, too, has been a real disappointment to me. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. The man can't build a normal relationship with anyone, and his law practice is one of the shoddiest in the entire state. Yes, I know him." At this point, the judge rapped the courtroom to silence and called both counselors to the bench. In a very quiet voice, he said with menace, "If either of you asks her if she knows me, you'll be jailed for contempt!"
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A man walked into a bar with his alligator and asked the bartender, "Do you serve lawyers here?".
"Sure do," replied the bartender.
"Good," said the man. "Give me a beer, and I'll have a lawyer for my 'gator."
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If you laid all of the lawyers in the world, end to end, on the equator ---- It would be a good idea to just leave them there.
A countryman between two
lawyers is like a fish between two cats.
...Benjamin Franklin.
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A housewife, an accountant and a lawyer were asked "How much is 2+2?"
The housewife replies: "Four!".
The accountant says: "I think
it's either 3 or 4. Let me run those figures
through my spreadsheet one more time."
The lawyer pulls the drapes, dims the lights and asks in a hushed voice, "How much do you want it to be?"
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A man went to a brain store to get some brain for dinner. He sees a sign remarking on the quality of professional brain offerred at this particular brain store. So he asks the butcher:
"How much for Engineer brain?"
"3 dollars an ounce."
"How much for doctor brain?"
"4 dollars an ounce."
"How much for lawyer brain?"
"100 dollars an ounce."
"Why is lawyer brain so much more?"
"Do you know how many lawyers you need to kill to get one ounce of brain?"
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A grade school teacher was asking students what their parents did for a living.
"Tim, you be first," she said.
"What does your mother do all day?" Tim stood up and proudly said, "She's a doctor."
"That's wonderful. How about you, Amie?" Amie shyly stood up, scuffed her feet and said, "My father is a mailman."
"Thank you, Amie," said the teacher. "What about your father, Billy?" Billy proudly stood up and announced, "My daddy plays piano in a whorehouse."
The teacher was aghast and promptly changed the subject to geography. Later that day she went to Billy's house and rang the bell. Billy's father answered the door. The teacher explained what his son had said and demanded an explanation. Billy's father said, "I'm actually an attorney. How can I explain a thing like that to a seven-year-old?"
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An airliner was having engine trouble, and the pilot instructed the cabin crew to have the passengers take their seats and get prepared for an emergency landing.
A few minutes later, the pilot asked the flight attendants if everyone was buckled in and ready.
"All set back here, Captain," came the reply, "except one lawyer who is still going around passing out business cards."
why do they bury lawyers 20
feet in the ground?
Because way deep down they are great people!
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The lawyer looked somewhat confused. "How do you start a flood?" he asked.
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Then he thought "Oh no, I have a priest in the truck I can't run down this lawyer" and at the last second the Truck Driver swerved to miss the lawyer. But, the Truck Driver heard a thump outside of the truck, he looked in his rear-view mirror but didn't see anything.
He turned to the priest and said "Sorry Father, I just missed that Lawyer at the side of the road" And the priest said "Don't worry son, I got him with my door"
A man in a bar stands up and proclaims, "All Lawyers are ASSHOLES!"
A man at the front of the bar stands up and says "Hey! I resent that!"
So the first man asks, "Why are you a lawyer?"
"NO! I'm an asshole!"
DEAR ABBEY - I HAVE A
PROBLEM I have two brothers and two sisters, one brother is a Lawyer, the other
was just sentenced to death for murder.
My mother died from insanity when I was young. My two sisters are prostitutes, my father sells narcotics to feed the family.
Recently I met a girl who was released from a reformatory where she served time for smothering her illegitimate child and I want very, much to marry her, my problem is this...
If I marry this girl, should I tell her about my brother, the Lawyer? Please advise ...
An attorney was sitting in
his office late one night, when the Devil appeared before him. The Devil told
the lawyer, "I have a proposition for you. You can win every case you try, for
the rest of your life. Your clients will adore you, your colleagues will stand
in awe of you, and you will make embarrassing sums of money. All I want in
exchange is your soul, your wife's soul, your children's souls, the souls of
your parents, grandparents, and parents-in-law, and the souls of all of your
friends and law partners."
The lawyer thought about this for a moment, then asked, "So, what's the catch?"
When the police arrived at the scene, the lawyer was complaining bitterly about the damage to his precious BMW.
"Officer, look what they've done to my Beeeeemer!!!", he whined.
"You lawyers are so materialistic, you make me sick!!!" retorted the officer. "You're so worried about your stupid BMW, that you didn't even notice that your left arm was ripped off!!!"
"Oh my gaaaad...", replied the lawyer, finally noticing the bloody left shoulder where his arm once was.
"Where's my Rolex???!!!!
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A
lawyer and a blonde are sitting next to each other on a long flight from LA to
NY. The lawyer leans over to her and asks if she would like to play a fun game.
The blonde just wants to take a nap, so she politely declines and rolls over to
the window to catch a few winks.
The lawyer persists and explains that the game is really easy and a lot of fun. He explains: "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5, and visa-versa."
Again, she politely declines and tries to get some sleep.
The lawyer, now somewhat agitated, says, "Okay, if you don't know the answer you pay me $5, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $50" figuring that since she is a blonde that he will easily win the match.
This catches the blonde's attention and, figuring that there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, she agrees to the game.
The lawyer asks the first question: "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?"
The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches into her purse, pulls out a five-dollar bill and hands it to the lawyer.
Now, it's the blonde's turn. She asks the lawyer: "What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?"
The lawyer looks at her with a puzzled look.
He takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references. He taps into the digital cellphone via infra-red wireless connection to his modem port and searches the Net and the Library of Congress. Frustrated, he sends E-mail to all his co-workers, friends, clients, and suppliers that he knows. And then some. All to no avail. After over an hour, he wakes the blonde and hands her $50. The blonde politely takes the $50 and turns away to get back to sleep.
The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, wakes the blonde and asks,
"Well, so what IS the answer?"
Without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5, and goes back to sleep.
The student replied, "Here's an orange."
The professor was livid.
"No! No! Think like a lawyer!" the Professor instructed.
The student then recited, "Okay, I'd tell him, 'I hereby give and convey to you all and singular, my estate and interests, rights, claim, title, claim and advantages of and in, said orange, together with all its rind, juice, pulp and seeds, and all rights and advantages with full power to bite, cut, freeze and otherwise eat, the same, or give the same away with and without the pulp, juice, rind and seeds, anything herein before or hereinafter or in any deed, or deeds, instruments of whatever nature or kind whatsoever to the contrary in anywise notwithstanding..."
_____________________________________
Witness: "Approximately milepost 499."
Attorney: "And where is milepost 499?"
Witness: "About halfway between milepost 498 and milepost 500."
A man is flying in a hot air
balloon and realizes he is lost. He reduces height and spots a man down below.
He lowers the balloon further and shouts:
"Excuse me, can you tell me where I am?"
The man below says: "Yes. You're in a hot air balloon, hovering 30 feet above this field."
"You must work in Information Technology" says the balloonist.
"I do" replies the man. "How did you know?"
"Well" says the balloonist, "Everything you have told me is technically correct, but it's no use to anyone."
The man below says, "You must work in business."
"I do" replies the balloonist, "but how did you know?"
"Well," says the man, "You don't know where you are, or where you're going, but you expect me to be able to help. You're in the same position you were before we met, but now it's my fault."
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1. "Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?"
2. "The youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is he?"
3. "Were you present when your picture was taken?"
4. "Were you alone or by yourself?"
5. "Was it you or your younger brother who was killed in the war?"
6. "Did he kill you?"
7. "How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collision?"
8. "You were there until the time you left, is that true?"
9. "How many times have you committed suicide?"
10. Q:
"So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?"
A: "Yes."
Q: "And what were you doing at that time?"
11. Q:
"She had three children, right?"
A: "Yes."
Q: "How many were boys?"
A: "None."
Q: "Were there any girls?"
12. Q:
"You say the stairs went down to the basement?"
A: "Yes."
Q: "And these stairs, did they go up also?"
13. Q:
"Mr. Slatery, you went on a rather elaborate honeymoon, didn't you?
A: "I went to Europe, sir."
Q: "And you took your new wife?"
14. Q:
"How was your first marriage terminated?"
A: "By death."
Q: "And by whose death was it terminated?"
15. Q:
"Can you describe the individual?"
A: "He was about medium height and had a beard."
Q: "Was this a male or female?"
16. Q:
"Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I
sent to your attorney?"
A: "No, this is how I dress when I go to work."
17. Q:
"Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?"
A: "All my autopsies are performed on dead people."
18. Q:
"All your responses must be oral, OK? What school did you go to?"
A: "Oral."
19. Q:
"Do you recall the time that you examined the body?"
A: "The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m."
Q: "And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?"
A: "No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy."
20. Q:
"You were not shot in the fracas?"
A: "No, I was shot midway between the fracas and the naval."
21. Q:
"Are you qualified to give a urine sample?"
A: "I have been since early childhood."
22. Q:
"Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?"
A: "No."
Q: "Did you check for blood pressure?"
A: "No."
Q: "Did you check for breathing?"
A: "No."
Q: "So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the
autopsy?"
A: "No."
Q: "How can you be so sure, doctor?"
A: "Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar."
Q: "But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?"
A: "It is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere."
_____________________________________
A
minister and lawyer were chatting at a party:
"What do you do if you make a mistake on a case?" the minister asked.
"Try to
fix it if it's big; ignore it if it's insignificant," replied the lawyer.
"What do you do?"
The minister replied "Oh, more or less the same. Let me give you an example.
The other day I meant to say 'the devil is the father of liars,' but instead I said 'the devil is the father of lawyers,' so I let it go."
_____________________________________
1st Lawyer: You're a fool
2nd Lawyer: And you're a damn fool.
Judge : As the learned lawyers have now identified each other, can we now
proceed with the case.
Employer: "I'm sorry, we already have enough cosultants."
Applicant: "That's ok, with my experience, I can be an advisor."
Employer: "More than we can use already."
Applicant: As he is getting desperate, "I'm not proud, I can do paperwork, I'll
be a clerk, If you have too many, I'll start as a janitor."
Employer: "It just doesn't seem that we have any openings for a person with your
qualifications."
Applicant: As he stands up and angrily yells, "work for you I'd have to be a low
life, belly crawling, double dealing jerk!"
Employer: "Well, you didn't say you were an attorney, have a seat, we may have
an opening."
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"Impossible," said the psychiatrist. "The man who told me is much more reliable
than you."
____________________________________
The attorneys looked at each other, shrugged their shoulders and then exchanged sandwiches.
Q: How was copper wire
invented?
A: Two lawyers were arguing over a penny.
A doctor and a lawyer in two
cars collided on a country road. The lawyer, seeing that the doctor was a little
shaken up, helped him from the car and offered him a drink from his hip
flask.The doctor accepted and handed the flask back to the lawyer, who closed it
and put it away. "Aren't you going to have a drink yourself?" asked the doctor.
"Sure; after the police leave," replied the lawyer.
_____________________________________
Not enough sand.
_____________________________________
Why did New Jersey get all
the toxic waste and California all the lawyers?
New Jersey got to pick first.
The attorney asked for a whiskey and soda, which was brought and placed before him.
The attendant then asked, "The minister if he would also like a drink." The minister replied in disgust, "I'd rather be savagely raped by a brazen whore than let liquor touch these lips."
The attorney then handed his drink back to the attendant and told her with delight, "I didn't know there was a choice."
Both graduated magna cum laude from law school. Both come from good families. Both are equally attractive and well spoken. It's up to the senior partner to choose one, so he takes ech aside and asks, "Why did you become a lawyer?" In seconds, he chooses Paul.
Baffled, Robert takes Paul aside. "I don't understand why I was rejected. When Mr. Armstrong asked me why I became a lawyer, I said that I had the greatest respect for the law, that I'd lay down my life for the Constitution and that all I wanted was to do right by my clients. What in the world did you tell him?"
"I said I became a lawyer because of my hands," Robert replies.
"Your hands? What do you mean?"
"Well, I took a look one day and there wasn't any money in either of them!"
WARNING SIGNS THAT YOU MIGHT
NEED A DIFFERENT LAWYER
* You
met him in prison.
* During your initial consultation he tries to sell you Amway.
* He tells you that his last good case was a Budweiser.
* When the prosecutors see who your lawyer is, they high-five each other.
* He picks the jury by playing "duck-duck-goose."
* He tells you that he's never told a lie.
* He asks a hostile witness to "pull my finger."
* A prison guard is shaving your head.
Q: How are lawyers like
nuclear weapons?
A: If one side has one, the other side has to get one. Once launched, they
cannot be recalled. When they land, they screw up everything forever.
_____________________________________
Q: How do you get a lawyer
out of a tree?
A: Cut the rope.
Scientists are now using laywers for experiments because there are some things mice wouldn't even do!!!!
Q. What's the difference
between a hooker & a lawyer?
A. A hooker stops screwing you when you're dead!
A very wealthy man, old and
desperately ill, summons to his bedside his three closest advisors: his doctor,
his priest, and his lawyer. "-I know,-" he says, "they say 'you can't take it
with you.' But who knows? Suppose they're mistaken. I'd like to have something
with me, just in case. So I am giving each of you an envelope containing one
hundred thousand dollars and I would be grateful if at my funeral you would put
the envelopes in my coffin, so that if it turns out that it's useful, I'll have
something." They each agree to carry out his wish.
Sure enough, after just a few weeks, the old man passes away. At his funeral, each of the three advisors is seen slipping something into the coffin. After the burial, as the three are walking away together, the doctor turns to the other two and says, "-Friends, I have a confession to make. As you know, at the hospital we are desperate because of the cutbacks in funding. Our CAT SCAN machine broke down and we haven't be able to get a new one. So, I took $20,000 of our friend's money for a new CAT SCAN and put the rest in the coffin as he asked.-"
At this the priest says, "-I, too have a confession to make. As you know, our church is simply overwhelmed by the problem of the homeless. The needs keep increasing and we have nowhere to turn. So I took $50,000 from the envelope for our homeless fund and put the rest in the coffin as our friend requested.-"
Fixing the other two in his gaze, the lawyer says "-I am astonished and deeply disappointed that you would treat so casually our solemn undertaking to our friend. I want you to know that I placed in his coffin my personal check for the full one hundred thousand dollars.-"
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A lawyer defending a man
accused of burglary tried this creative defense: "My client merely inserted his
arm into the window and removed a few trifling articles. His arm is not himself,
and I fail to see how you can punish the whole individual for an offense
committed by his limb."
"Well put," the judge replied. "Using your logic, I sentence the defendant's arm to one year's imprisonment. He can accompany it or not, as he chooses."
The defendant smiled. With his lawyer's assistance he detached his artificial limb, laid it on the bench, and walked out.
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"Oh, please excuse me!" said
the bunny. "I didn't mean to trip over you, but I'm blind and couldn't see you
there."
"That's perfectly all right," replied the snake. "It was MY fault. I didn't mean
to trip you, but I'm blind too, and I didn't see you coming. By the way, what
kind of animal are you?"
"Well, I really don't know," said the bunny. "Since I'm blind, I've never seen
myself. Perhaps you could examine me and then we'll both know?"So the snake felt
the bunny all over and said, "Well, you're soft and cuddly; you have long silky
ears, a fluffy little tail and a twitchy little nose ... you must be a BUNNY
RABBIT!" [The little blind bunny was so pleased at this that he danced with
joy.] The bunny said, "I can't thank you enough. What kind of animal are you,
sir?"
The snake said he didn't know, for the same reason. The bunny agreed to examine
him, and when he finished the snake asked, "So, what kind of animal am I?"
The bunny said, "You're hard, you're cold, you're slimy, and you haven't got any
balls -- you must be a lawyer."
If a lawyer and an IRS agent were both drowning, and you could only save one of them, would you go to lunch or read the paper?
_____________________________________
The lawyer is standing at
the gate to Heaven and St. Peter is listing his sins:
1) Defending a large corporation in a pollution suit where he knew they were
guilty.
2) Defending an obviously guilty murderer because the fee was high.
3) Overcharging fees to many clients.
4) Prosecuting an innocent woman because a scapegoat was needed in a
controversial case.
...And the list goes on for quite awhile.
The lawyer objects and begins to argue his case. He admits all these things, but
argues, "Wait, I've done some charity in my life also." St. Peter looks in his
book and says,"Yes, I see. Once you gave a dime to a panhandler and once you
gave an extra nickel to the shoeshine boy, correct?" The lawyer gets a smug look
on his face and replies, "Yes." St. Peter turns to the angel next to him and
says, "Give this guy 15 cents and tell him to go to hell.
A Russian, a Cuban, an
American and a Lawyer are in a train.
The Russian takes a bottle of the Best Vodka out of his pack; pours some into a
glass, drinks it, and says: "In USSR, we have the best vodka of the world,
nowhere in the world you can find Vodka as good as the one we produce in
Ukrainia. And we have so much of it, that we can just throw it away..." Saying
that, he opens the window and throws the rest of the bottle thru it. All the
others are quite impressed.
The Cuban takes out a pack of Havanas, takes one of them, lights it and begins
to smoke it saying: "In Cuba, we have the best cigars of the world: Havanas.
Nowhere in the world there is so many and so good cigare and we have so much of
them, that we can just throw them away...". Saying that, he throws the pack of
havanas thru the window. One more time, everybody is quite impressed.
At this time, the American just stands up, opens the window, and throws the
Lawyer through it...
An airliner was having engine trouble, and the pilot instructed the cabin crew to have the passengers take their seats and get prepared for an emergency landing.
A few minutes later, the pilot asked the flight attendants if everyone was buckled in and ready.
"All set back here, Captain," came the reply, "except one lawyer who is still going around passing out business cards."
Because way deep down they are great people!
____________________________________
A lawyer and an engineer were fishing in the Caribbean. The lawyer said, "I'm here because my house burned down, and everything I owned was destroyed by the fire. The insurance company paid for everything." "That's quite a coincidence," said the engineer. "I'm here because my house and all my belongings were destroyed by a flood, and my insurance company also paid for everything."
The lawyer looked somewhat confused. "How do you start a flood?" he asked. _____________________________________
A butcher was minding his store one day, when a dog ran in and stole a cut of meat off his counter. The butcher recognized the dog as belonging to his neighbor who was a lawyer. He called up his neighbor and said "Your dog stole meat from my store. I believe you owe me for the meat." The lawyer said " You are correct. How much was the meat?" The butcher told him that it cost $4.50, the lawyer replied that he should receive a check for that amount in the mail the next day. The next day, the check arrived in the mail for $4.50, with a bill attached for $150 "for legal consultation".
_____________________________________
A Truck Driver was driving down the highway when he saw a priest at the side of the Road. He stopped to pick up the priest and give him a ride. A ways down the road the Truck Driver saw a lawyer on the side of the road. He turned the truck on a direct course with the lawyer.
Then he thought "Oh no, I have a priest in the truck I can't run down this lawyer" and at the last second the Truck Driver swerved to miss the lawyer. But, the Truck Driver heard a thump outside of the truck, he looked in his rear-view mirror but didn't see anything.
He turned to the priest and said "Sorry Father, I just missed that Lawyer at the side of the road" And the priest said "Don't worry son, I got him with my door"
A man in a bar stands up and proclaims, "All Lawyers are ASSHOLES!"
A man at the front of the bar stands up and says "Hey! I resent that!"
So the first man asks, "Why are you a lawyer?"
"NO! I'm an asshole!"
_____________________________________
DEAR ABBEY - I HAVE A PROBLEM I have two brothers and two sisters, one brother is a Lawyer, the other was just sentenced to death for murder.
My mother died from insanity when I was young. My two sisters are prostitutes, my father sells narcotics to feed the family.
Recently I met a girl who was released from a reformatory where she served time for smothering her illegitimate child and I want very, much to marry her, my problem is this...
If I marry this girl, should I tell her about my brother, the Lawyer? Please advise ...
An attorney was sitting in his office late one night, when the Devil appeared before him. The Devil told the lawyer, "I have a proposition for you. You can win every case you try, for the rest of your life. Your clients will adore you, your colleagues will stand in awe of you, and you will make embarrassing sums of money. All I want in exchange is your soul, your wife's soul, your children's souls, the souls of your parents, grandparents, and parents-in-law, and the souls of all of your friends and law partners."
The lawyer thought about this for a moment, then asked, "So, what's the catch?" _____________________________________
A lawyer opened the door of his BMW, when suddenly a car came along and hit the door, ripping it off completely.
When the police arrived at the scene, the lawyer was complaining bitterly about the damage to his precious BMW.
"Officer, look what they've done to my Beeeeemer!!!", he whined.
"You lawyers are so materialistic, you make me sick!!!" retorted the officer. "You're so worried about your stupid BMW, that you didn't even notice that your left arm was ripped off!!!"
"Oh my gaaaad...", replied the lawyer, finally noticing the bloody left shoulder where his arm once was.
"Where's my Rolex???!!!!
_____________________________________
A
lawyer and a blonde are sitting next to each other on a long flight from LA to
NY. The lawyer leans over to her and asks if she would like to play a fun game.
The blonde just wants to take a nap, so she politely declines and rolls over to
the window to catch a few winks.
The lawyer persists and explains that the game is really easy and a lot of fun. He explains: "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5, and visa-versa."
Again, she politely declines and tries to get some sleep.
The lawyer, now somewhat agitated, says, "Okay, if you don't know the answer you pay me $5, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $50" figuring that since she is a blonde that he will easily win the match.
This catches the blonde's attention and, figuring that there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, she agrees to the game.
The lawyer asks the first question: "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?"
The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches into her purse, pulls out a five-dollar bill and hands it to the lawyer.
Now, it's the blonde's turn. She asks the lawyer: "What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?"
The lawyer looks at her with a puzzled look.
He takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references. He taps into the digital cellphone via infra-red wireless connection to his modem port and searches the Net and the Library of Congress. Frustrated, he sends E-mail to all his co-workers, friends, clients, and suppliers that he knows. And then some. All to no avail. After over an hour, he wakes the blonde and hands her $50. The blonde politely takes the $50 and turns away to get back to sleep.
The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, wakes the blonde and asks,
"Well, so what IS the answer?"
Without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5, and goes back to sleep.
One day in Contract Law class, a Professor asked one of his better students, "Now, if you were to give someone an orange, how would you go about it?"
The student replied, "Here's an orange."
The professor was livid.
"No! No! Think like a lawyer!" the Professor instructed.
The student then recited, "Okay, I'd tell him, 'I hereby give and convey to you all and singular, my estate and interests, rights, claim, title, claim and advantages of and in, said orange, together with all its rind, juice, pulp and seeds, and all rights and advantages with full power to bite, cut, freeze and otherwise eat, the same, or give the same away with and without the pulp, juice, rind and seeds, anything herein before or hereinafter or in any deed, or deeds, instruments of whatever nature or kind whatsoever to the contrary in anywise notwithstanding..."
Attorney to witness: "And where was the location of the accident?"
Witness: "Approximately milepost 499."
Attorney: "And where is milepost 499?"
Witness: "About halfway between milepost 498 and milepost 500."
A man is flying in a hot air
balloon and realizes he is lost. He reduces height and spots a man down below.
He lowers the balloon further and shouts:
"Excuse me, can you tell me where I am?"
The man below says: "Yes. You're in a hot air balloon, hovering 30 feet above this field."
"You must work in Information Technology" says the balloonist.
"I do" replies the man. "How did you know?"
"Well" says the balloonist, "Everything you have told me is technically correct, but it's no use to anyone."
The man below says, "You must work in business."
"I do" replies the balloonist, "but how did you know?"
"Well," says the man, "You don't know where you are, or where you're going, but you expect me to be able to help. You're in the same position you were before we met, but now it's my fault."
Reported in the Massachusetts Bar Association Lawyers Journal, the following are questions actually asked of witnesses by attorneys during trials and, in certain cases, the responses given by insightful witnesses:
1. "Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?"
2. "The youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is he?"
3. "Were you present when your picture was taken?"
4. "Were you alone or by yourself?"
5. "Was it you or your younger brother who was killed in the war?"
6. "Did he kill you?"
7. "How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collision?"
8. "You were there until the time you left, is that true?"
9. "How many times have you committed suicide?"
10. Q:
"So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?"
A: "Yes."
Q: "And what were you doing at that time?"
11. Q:
"She had three children, right?"
A: "Yes."
Q: "How many were boys?"
A: "None."
Q: "Were there any girls?"
12. Q:
"You say the stairs went down to the basement?"
A: "Yes."
Q: "And these stairs, did they go up also?"
13. Q:
"Mr. Slatery, you went on a rather elaborate honeymoon, didn't you?
A: "I went to Europe, sir."
Q: "And you took your new wife?"
14. Q:
"How was your first marriage terminated?"
A: "By death."
Q: "And by whose death was it terminated?"
15. Q:
"Can you describe the individual?"
A: "He was about medium height and had a beard."
Q: "Was this a male or female?"
16. Q:
"Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I
sent to your attorney?"
A: "No, this is how I dress when I go to work."
17. Q:
"Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?"
A: "All my autopsies are performed on dead people."
18. Q:
"All your responses must be oral, OK? What school did you go to?"
A: "Oral."
19. Q:
"Do you recall the time that you examined the body?"
A: "The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m."
Q: "And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?"
A: "No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy."
20. Q:
"You were not shot in the fracas?"
A: "No, I was shot midway between the fracas and the naval."
21. Q:
"Are you qualified to give a urine sample?"
A: "I have been since early childhood."
22. Q:
"Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?"
A: "No."
Q: "Did you check for blood pressure?"
A: "No."
Q: "Did you check for breathing?"
A: "No."
Q: "So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the
autopsy?"
A: "No."
Q: "How can you be so sure, doctor?"
A: "Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar."
Q: "But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?"
A: "It is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere."
_____________________________________
A
minister and lawyer were chatting at a party:
"What do you do if you make a mistake on a case?" the minister asked.
"Try to
fix it if it's big; ignore it if it's insignificant," replied the lawyer.
"What do you do?"
The minister replied "Oh, more or less the same. Let me give you an example.
The other day I meant to say 'the devil is the father of liars,' but instead I said 'the devil is the father of lawyers,' so I let it go."
Court scene:
1st Lawyer: You're a fool
2nd Lawyer: And you're a damn fool.
Judge : As the learned lawyers have now identified each other, can we now
proceed with the case.
Job Applicant: "I'm looking
for a job as a consultant."
Employer: "I'm sorry, we already have enough cosultants."
Applicant: "That's ok, with my experience, I can be an advisor."
Employer: "More than we can use already."
Applicant: As he is getting desperate, "I'm not proud, I can do paperwork, I'll
be a clerk, If you have too many, I'll start as a janitor."
Employer: "It just doesn't seem that we have any openings for a person with your
qualifications."
Applicant: As he stands up and angrily yells, "work for you I'd have to be a low
life, belly crawling, double dealing jerk!"
Employer: "Well, you didn't say you were an attorney, have a seat, we may have
an opening."
A psychiatrist met a friend
and exclaimed, "I heard you died." "But you see I'm alive ," smiled the friend.
"Impossible," said the psychiatrist. "The man who told me is much more reliable
than you."
Two attorneys went into a diner and ordered two drinks. Then they produced sandwiches from their briefcases and started to eat. The owner became quite concerned and marched over and told them, "You can't eat your own sandwiches in here!"
The attorneys looked at each other, shrugged their shoulders and then exchanged sandwiches.
Q: How was copper wire
invented?
A: Two lawyers were arguing over a penny.
A doctor and a lawyer in two cars collided on a country road. The lawyer, seeing that the doctor was a little shaken up, helped him from the car and offered him a drink from his hip flask.The doctor accepted and handed the flask back to the lawyer, who closed it and put it away. "Aren't you going to have a drink yourself?" asked the doctor. "Sure; after the police leave," replied the lawyer.
What do you have when 100
lawyers are buried up to their neck in sand?
Not enough sand.
Why did New Jersey get all
the toxic waste and California all the lawyers?
New Jersey got to pick first.
A pompous clergyman was seated next to an overbearing attorney on a flight to Wichita. After the plane was airborne, the flight attendant came around for drink orders.
The attorney asked for a whiskey and soda, which was brought and placed before him.
The attendant then asked, "The minister if he would also like a drink." The minister replied in disgust, "I'd rather be savagely raped by a brazen whore than let liquor touch these lips."
The attorney then handed his drink back to the attendant and told her with delight, "I didn't know there was a choice." _____________________________________
There was a job opening in the country's most prestigious law firm and it finally comes down to Robert and Paul.
Both graduated magna cum laude from law school. Both come from good families. Both are equally attractive and well spoken. It's up to the senior partner to choose one, so he takes ech aside and asks, "Why did you become a lawyer?" In seconds, he chooses Paul.
Baffled, Robert takes Paul aside. "I don't understand why I was rejected. When Mr. Armstrong asked me why I became a lawyer, I said that I had the greatest respect for the law, that I'd lay down my life for the Constitution and that all I wanted was to do right by my clients. What in the world did you tell him?"
"I said I became a lawyer because of my hands," Robert replies.
"Your hands? What do you mean?"
"Well, I took a look one day and there wasn't any money in either of them!"
WARNING SIGNS THAT YOU MIGHT NEED A DIFFERENT LAWYER
* You
met him in prison.
* During your initial consultation he tries to sell you Amway.
* He tells you that his last good case was a Budweiser.
* When the prosecutors see who your lawyer is, they high-five each other.
* He picks the jury by playing "duck-duck-goose."
* He tells you that he's never told a lie.
* He asks a hostile witness to "pull my finger."
* A prison guard is shaving your head.
Q: How are lawyers like
nuclear weapons?
A: If one side has one, the other side has to get one. Once launched, they
cannot be recalled. When they land, they screw up everything forever.
____________________________________
A: Cut the rope.
_____________________________________
Scientists are now using laywers for experiments because there are some things mice wouldn't even do!!!!
A. A hooker stops screwing you when you're dead!
A very wealthy man, old and desperately ill, summons to his bedside his three closest advisors: his doctor, his priest, and his lawyer. "-I know,-" he says, "they say 'you can't take it with you.' But who knows? Suppose they're mistaken. I'd like to have something with me, just in case. So I am giving each of you an envelope containing one hundred thousand dollars and I would be grateful if at my funeral you would put the envelopes in my coffin, so that if it turns out that it's useful, I'll have something." They each agree to carry out his wish.
Sure enough, after just a few weeks, the old man passes away. At his funeral, each of the three advisors is seen slipping something into the coffin. After the burial, as the three are walking away together, the doctor turns to the other two and says, "-Friends, I have a confession to make. As you know, at the hospital we are desperate because of the cutbacks in funding. Our CAT SCAN machine broke down and we haven't be able to get a new one. So, I took $20,000 of our friend's money for a new CAT SCAN and put the rest in the coffin as he asked.-"
At this the priest says, "-I, too have a confession to make. As you know, our church is simply overwhelmed by the problem of the homeless. The needs keep increasing and we have nowhere to turn. So I took $50,000 from the envelope for our homeless fund and put the rest in the coffin as our friend requested.-"
Fixing the other two in his gaze, the lawyer says "-I am astonished and deeply disappointed that you would treat so casually our solemn undertaking to our friend. I want you to know that I placed in his coffin my personal check for the full one hundred thousand dollars.-"
A lawyer defending a man
accused of burglary tried this creative defense: "My client merely inserted his
arm into the window and removed a few trifling articles. His arm is not himself,
and I fail to see how you can punish the whole individual for an offense
committed by his limb."
"Well put," the judge replied. "Using your logic, I sentence the defendant's arm to one year's imprisonment. He can accompany it or not, as he chooses."
The defendant smiled. With his lawyer's assistance he detached his artificial limb, laid it on the bench, and walked out.
_____________________________________
"Oh, please excuse me!" said
the bunny. "I didn't mean to trip over you, but I'm blind and couldn't see you
there."
"That's perfectly all right," replied the snake. "It was MY fault. I didn't mean
to trip you, but I'm blind too, and I didn't see you coming. By the way, what
kind of animal are you?"
"Well, I really don't know," said the bunny. "Since I'm blind, I've never seen
myself. Perhaps you could examine me and then we'll both know?"So the snake felt
the bunny all over and said, "Well, you're soft and cuddly; you have long silky
ears, a fluffy little tail and a twitchy little nose ... you must be a BUNNY
RABBIT!" [The little blind bunny was so pleased at this that he danced with
joy.] The bunny said, "I can't thank you enough. What kind of animal are you,
sir?"
The snake said he didn't know, for the same reason. The bunny agreed to examine
him, and when he finished the snake asked, "So, what kind of animal am I?"
The bunny said, "You're hard, you're cold, you're slimy, and you haven't got any
balls -- you must be a lawyer."
The Rabbi said he would sleep in the barn and let the other two have the beds.
Ten minutes after the Rabbi left, there was a knock on the bedroom door. The
Rabbi CLICK HERE!ed exclaiming "I can't sleep in the barn; there is a pig in
there. It's against my religion to sleep in the same room with a pig!"
The Hindu said HE would sleep in the barn, as he had no religious problem with
pigs. However, about five minutes later, the Hindu burst through the bedroom
door saying "There's a COW in the barn! I can't sleep in the same room as a cow!
It's against my religion!"
The lawyer, anxious to get to sleep, said he'd go to the barn, as he had no
problem sleeping with animals.
In two minutes, the bedroom door burst open and the pig and the cow CLICK
HERE!ed...
If a lawyer and an IRS agent
were both drowning, and you could only save one of them, would you go to lunch
or read the paper?
_____________________________________
The lawyer is standing at
the gate to Heaven and St. Peter is listing his sins:
1) Defending a large corporation in a pollution suit where he knew they were
guilty.
2) Defending an obviously guilty murderer because the fee was high.
3) Overcharging fees to many clients.
4) Prosecuting an innocent woman because a scapegoat was needed in a
controversial case.
...And the list goes on for quite awhile.
The lawyer objects and begins to argue his case. He admits all these things, but
argues, "Wait, I've done some charity in my life also." St. Peter looks in his
book and says,"Yes, I see. Once you gave a dime to a panhandler and once you
gave an extra nickel to the shoeshine boy, correct?" The lawyer gets a smug look
on his face and replies, "Yes." St. Peter turns to the angel next to him and
says, "Give this guy 15 cents and tell him to go to hell.
The Russian takes a bottle of the Best Vodka out of his pack; pours some into a
glass, drinks it, and says: "In USSR, we have the best vodka of the world,
nowhere in the world you can find Vodka as good as the one we produce in
Ukrainia. And we have so much of it, that we can just throw it away..." Saying
that, he opens the window and throws the rest of the bottle thru it. All the
others are quite impressed.
The Cuban takes out a pack of Havanas, takes one of them, lights it and begins
to smoke it saying: "In Cuba, we have the best cigars of the world: Havanas.
Nowhere in the world there is so many and so good cigare and we have so much of
them, that we can just throw them away...". Saying that, he throws the pack of
havanas thru the window. One more time, everybody is quite impressed.
At this time, the American just stands up, opens the window, and throws the
Lawyer through it...
_____________________________________
An airliner was having engine trouble, and the pilot instructed the cabin crew to have the passengers take their seats and get prepared for an emergency landing.
A few minutes later, the pilot asked the flight attendants if everyone was buckled in and ready.
"All set back here, Captain," came the reply, "except one lawyer who is still going around passing out business cards."
why do they bury lawyers 20 feet in the ground?
Because way deep down they are great people!
A lawyer and an engineer were fishing in the Caribbean. The lawyer said, "I'm here because my house burned down, and everything I owned was destroyed by the fire. The insurance company paid for everything." "That's quite a coincidence," said the engineer. "I'm here because my house and all my belongings were destroyed by a flood, and my insurance company also paid for everything."
The lawyer looked somewhat confused. "How do you start a flood?" he asked.
_____________________________________
A Truck Driver was driving
down the highway when he saw a priest at the side of the Road. He stopped to
pick up the priest and give him a ride. A ways down the road the Truck Driver
saw a lawyer on the side of the road. He turned the truck on a direct course
with the lawyer.
Then he thought "Oh no, I have a priest in the truck I can't run down this lawyer" and at the last second the Truck Driver swerved to miss the lawyer. But, the Truck Driver heard a thump outside of the truck, he looked in his rear-view mirror but didn't see anything.
He turned to the priest and said "Sorry Father, I just missed that Lawyer at the side of the road" And the priest said "Don't worry son, I got him with my door"
A man at the front of the bar stands up and says "Hey! I resent that!"
So the first man asks, "Why are you a lawyer?"
"NO! I'm an asshole!"
My mother died from insanity when I was young. My two sisters are prostitutes, my father sells narcotics to feed the family.
Recently I met a girl who was released from a reformatory where she served time for smothering her illegitimate child and I want very, much to marry her, my problem is this...
If I marry this girl, should I tell her about my brother, the Lawyer? Please advise ...
An attorney was sitting in
his office late one night, when the Devil appeared before him. The Devil told
the lawyer, "I have a proposition for you. You can win every case you try, for
the rest of your life. Your clients will adore you, your colleagues will stand
in awe of you, and you will make embarrassing sums of money. All I want in
exchange is your soul, your wife's soul, your children's souls, the souls of
your parents, grandparents, and parents-in-law, and the souls of all of your
friends and law partners."
The lawyer thought about this for a moment, then asked, "So, what's the catch?"
When the police arrived at the scene, the lawyer was complaining bitterly about the damage to his precious BMW.
"Officer, look what they've done to my Beeeeemer!!!", he whined.
"You lawyers are so materialistic, you make me sick!!!" retorted the officer. "You're so worried about your stupid BMW, that you didn't even notice that your left arm was ripped off!!!"
"Oh my gaaaad...", replied the lawyer, finally noticing the bloody left shoulder where his arm once was.
"Where's my Rolex???!!!!
_____________________________________
A lawyer and a blonde are sitting next to each other on a long flight from LA to NY. The lawyer leans over to her and asks if she would like to play a fun game. The blonde just wants to take a nap, so she politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks.
The lawyer persists and explains that the game is really easy and a lot of fun. He explains: "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5, and visa-versa."
Again, she politely declines and tries to get some sleep.
The lawyer, now somewhat agitated, says, "Okay, if you don't know the answer you pay me $5, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $50" figuring that since she is a blonde that he will easily win the match.
This catches the blonde's attention and, figuring that there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, she agrees to the game.
The lawyer asks the first question: "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?"
The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches into her purse, pulls out a five-dollar bill and hands it to the lawyer.
Now, it's the blonde's turn. She asks the lawyer: "What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?"
The lawyer looks at her with a puzzled look.
He takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references. He taps into the digital cellphone via infra-red wireless connection to his modem port and searches the Net and the Library of Congress. Frustrated, he sends E-mail to all his co-workers, friends, clients, and suppliers that he knows. And then some. All to no avail. After over an hour, he wakes the blonde and hands her $50. The blonde politely takes the $50 and turns away to get back to sleep.
The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, wakes the blonde and asks,
"Well, so what IS the answer?"
Without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5, and goes back to sleep.
The student replied, "Here's an orange."
The professor was livid.
"No! No! Think like a lawyer!" the Professor instructed.
The student then recited, "Okay, I'd tell him, 'I hereby give and convey to you all and singular, my estate and interests, rights, claim, title, claim and advantages of and in, said orange, together with all its rind, juice, pulp and seeds, and all rights and advantages with full power to bite, cut, freeze and otherwise eat, the same, or give the same away with and without the pulp, juice, rind and seeds, anything herein before or hereinafter or in any deed, or deeds, instruments of whatever nature or kind whatsoever to the contrary in anywise notwithstanding..."
Attorney to witness: "And where was the location of the accident?"
Witness: "Approximately milepost 499."
Attorney: "And where is milepost 499?"
Witness: "About halfway between milepost 498 and milepost 500."
_____________________________________
"Excuse me, can you tell me where I am?"
The man below says: "Yes. You're in a hot air balloon, hovering 30 feet above this field."
"You must work in Information Technology" says the balloonist.
"I do" replies the man. "How did you know?"
"Well" says the balloonist, "Everything you have told me is technically correct, but it's no use to anyone."
The man below says, "You must work in business."
"I do" replies the balloonist, "but how did you know?"
"Well," says the man, "You don't know where you are, or where you're going, but you expect me to be able to help. You're in the same position you were before we met, but now it's my fault."
Reported in the
Massachusetts Bar Association Lawyers Journal, the following are questions
actually asked of witnesses by attorneys during trials and, in certain cases,
the responses given by insightful witnesses:
1. "Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?"
2. "The youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is he?"
3. "Were you present when your picture was taken?"
4. "Were you alone or by yourself?"
5. "Was it you or your younger brother who was killed in the war?"
6. "Did he kill you?"
7. "How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collision?"
8. "You were there until the time you left, is that true?"
9. "How many times have you committed suicide?"
10. Q:
"So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?"
A: "Yes."
Q: "And what were you doing at that time?"
11. Q:
"She had three children, right?"
A: "Yes."
Q: "How many were boys?"
A: "None."
Q: "Were there any girls?"
12. Q:
"You say the stairs went down to the basement?"
A: "Yes."
Q: "And these stairs, did they go up also?"
13. Q:
"Mr. Slatery, you went on a rather elaborate honeymoon, didn't you?
A: "I went to Europe, sir."
Q: "And you took your new wife?"
14. Q:
"How was your first marriage terminated?"
A: "By death."
Q: "And by whose death was it terminated?"
15. Q:
"Can you describe the individual?"
A: "He was about medium height and had a beard."
Q: "Was this a male or female?"
16. Q:
"Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I
sent to your attorney?"
A: "No, this is how I dress when I go to work."
17. Q:
"Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?"
A: "All my autopsies are performed on dead people."
18. Q:
"All your responses must be oral, OK? What school did you go to?"
A: "Oral."
19. Q:
"Do you recall the time that you examined the body?"
A: "The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m."
Q: "And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?"
A: "No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy."
20. Q:
"You were not shot in the fracas?"
A: "No, I was shot midway between the fracas and the naval."
21. Q:
"Are you qualified to give a urine sample?"
A: "I have been since early childhood."
22. Q:
"Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?"
A: "No."
Q: "Did you check for blood pressure?"
A: "No."
Q: "Did you check for breathing?"
A: "No."
Q: "So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the
autopsy?"
A: "No."
Q: "How can you be so sure, doctor?"
A: "Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar."
Q: "But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?"
A: "It is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere."
_____________________________________
A
minister and lawyer were chatting at a party:
"What do you do if you make a mistake on a case?" the minister asked.
"Try to
fix it if it's big; ignore it if it's insignificant," replied the lawyer.
"What do you do?"
The minister replied "Oh, more or less the same. Let me give you an example.
The other day I meant to say 'the devil is the father of liars,' but instead I said 'the devil is the father of lawyers,' so I let it go."
_____________________________________
Court scene:
1st Lawyer: You're a fool
2nd Lawyer: And you're a damn fool.
Judge : As the learned lawyers have now identified each other, can we now
proceed with the case.
Employer: "I'm sorry, we already have enough cosultants."
Applicant: "That's ok, with my experience, I can be an advisor."
Employer: "More than we can use already."
Applicant: As he is getting desperate, "I'm not proud, I can do paperwork, I'll
be a clerk, If you have too many, I'll start as a janitor."
Employer: "It just doesn't seem that we have any openings for a person with your
qualifications."
Applicant: As he stands up and angrily yells, "work for you I'd have to be a low
life, belly crawling, double dealing jerk!"
Employer: "Well, you didn't say you were an attorney, have a seat, we may have
an opening."
"Impossible," said the psychiatrist. "The man who told me is much more reliable
than you."
The attorneys looked at each other, shrugged their shoulders and then exchanged sandwiches.
A: Two lawyers were arguing over a penny.
Not enough sand.
____________________________________
New Jersey got to pick first.
The attorney asked for a whiskey and soda, which was brought and placed before him.
The attendant then asked, "The minister if he would also like a drink." The minister replied in disgust, "I'd rather be savagely raped by a brazen whore than let liquor touch these lips."
The attorney then handed his drink back to the attendant and told her with delight, "I didn't know there was a choice."
Both graduated magna cum laude from law school. Both come from good families. Both are equally attractive and well spoken. It's up to the senior partner to choose one, so he takes ech aside and asks, "Why did you become a lawyer?" In seconds, he chooses Paul.
Baffled, Robert takes Paul aside. "I don't understand why I was rejected. When Mr. Armstrong asked me why I became a lawyer, I said that I had the greatest respect for the law, that I'd lay down my life for the Constitution and that all I wanted was to do right by my clients. What in the world did you tell him?"
"I said I became a lawyer because of my hands," Robert replies.
"Your hands? What do you mean?"
"Well, I took a look one day and there wasn't any money in either of them!"
* You
met him in prison.
* During your initial consultation he tries to sell you Amway.
* He tells you that his last good case was a Budweiser.
* When the prosecutors see who your lawyer is, they high-five each other.
* He picks the jury by playing "duck-duck-goose."
* He tells you that he's never told a lie.
* He asks a hostile witness to "pull my finger."
* A prison guard is shaving your head.
_____________________________________
Q: How are lawyers like
nuclear weapons?
A: If one side has one, the other side has to get one. Once launched, they
cannot be recalled. When they land, they screw up everything forever.
_____________________________________
A: Cut the rope.
A. A hooker stops screwing you when you're dead!
Sure enough, after just a few weeks, the old man passes away. At his funeral, each of the three advisors is seen slipping something into the coffin. After the burial, as the three are walking away together, the doctor turns to the other two and says, "-Friends, I have a confession to make. As you know, at the hospital we are desperate because of the cutbacks in funding. Our CAT SCAN machine broke down and we haven't be able to get a new one. So, I took $20,000 of our friend's money for a new CAT SCAN and put the rest in the coffin as he asked.-"
At this the priest says, "-I, too have a confession to make. As you know, our church is simply overwhelmed by the problem of the homeless. The needs keep increasing and we have nowhere to turn. So I took $50,000 from the envelope for our homeless fund and put the rest in the coffin as our friend requested.-"
Fixing the other two in his gaze, the lawyer says "-I am astonished and deeply disappointed that you would treat so casually our solemn undertaking to our friend. I want you to know that I placed in his coffin my personal check for the full one hundred thousand dollars.-"
____________________________________
"Well put," the judge replied. "Using your logic, I sentence the defendant's arm to one year's imprisonment. He can accompany it or not, as he chooses."
The defendant smiled. With his lawyer's assistance he detached his artificial limb, laid it on the bench, and walked out.
"That's perfectly all right," replied the snake. "It was MY fault. I didn't mean
to trip you, but I'm blind too, and I didn't see you coming. By the way, what
kind of animal are you?"
"Well, I really don't know," said the bunny. "Since I'm blind, I've never seen
myself. Perhaps you could examine me and then we'll both know?"So the snake felt
the bunny all over and said, "Well, you're soft and cuddly; you have long silky
ears, a fluffy little tail and a twitchy little nose ... you must be a BUNNY
RABBIT!" [The little blind bunny was so pleased at this that he danced with
joy.] The bunny said, "I can't thank you enough. What kind of animal are you,
sir?"
The snake said he didn't know, for the same reason. The bunny agreed to examine
him, and when he finished the snake asked, "So, what kind of animal am I?"
The bunny said, "You're hard, you're cold, you're slimy, and you haven't got any
balls -- you must be a lawyer."
_____________________________________
A Rabbi, a Hindu and a
lawyer were driving late at night in the country when their car expired. They
set out to find help, and came to a farmhouse. When they knocked at the door,
the farmer explained that he had only two beds, and one of the three had to
sleep in the barn with the animals. The three quickly agreed.
The Rabbi said he would sleep in the barn and let the other two have the beds.
Ten minutes after the Rabbi left, there was a knock on the bedroom door. The
Rabbi CLICK HERE!ed exclaiming "I can't sleep in the barn; there is a pig in
there. It's against my religion to sleep in the same room with a pig!"
The Hindu said HE would sleep in the barn, as he had no religious problem with
pigs. However, about five minutes later, the Hindu burst through the bedroom
door saying "There's a COW in the barn! I can't sleep in the same room as a cow!
It's against my religion!"
The lawyer, anxious to get to sleep, said he'd go to the barn, as he had no
problem sleeping with animals.
In two minutes, the bedroom door burst open and the pig and the cow CLICK
HERE!ed...
If a lawyer and an IRS agent were both drowning, and you could only save one of them, would you go to lunch or read the paper?
The lawyer is standing at
the gate to Heaven and St. Peter is listing his sins:
1) Defending a large corporation in a pollution suit where he knew they were
guilty.
2) Defending an obviously guilty murderer because the fee was high.
3) Overcharging fees to many clients.
4) Prosecuting an innocent woman because a scapegoat was needed in a
controversial case.
...And the list goes on for quite awhile.
The lawyer objects and begins to argue his case. He admits all these things, but
argues, "Wait, I've done some charity in my life also." St. Peter looks in his
book and says,"Yes, I see. Once you gave a dime to a panhandler and once you
gave an extra nickel to the shoeshine boy, correct?" The lawyer gets a smug look
on his face and replies, "Yes." St. Peter turns to the angel next to him and
says, "Give this guy 15 cents and tell him to go to hell.
A Russian, a Cuban, an
American and a Lawyer are in a train.
The Russian takes a bottle of the Best Vodka out of his pack; pours some into a
glass, drinks it, and says: "In USSR, we have the best vodka of the world,
nowhere in the world you can find Vodka as good as the one we produce in
Ukrainia. And we have so much of it, that we can just throw it away..." Saying
that, he opens the window and throws the rest of the bottle thru it. All the
others are quite impressed.
The Cuban takes out a pack of Havanas, takes one of them, lights it and begins
to smoke it saying: "In Cuba, we have the best cigars of the world: Havanas.
Nowhere in the world there is so many and so good cigare and we have so much of
them, that we can just throw them away...". Saying that, he throws the pack of
havanas thru the window. One more time, everybody is quite impressed.
At this time, the American just stands up, opens the window, and throws the
Lawyer through it...
For
three years, the young attorney had been taking his brief vacations at this
country inn. The last time he'd finally managed an affair with the innkeeper's
daughter. Looking forward to an exciting few days, he dragged his suitcase up
the stairs of the inn, then stopped short. There sat his lover with an infant on
her lap!
"Helen, why didn't you write when you learned you were pregnant?" he cried. "I
would have rushed up here, we could have gotten married, and the baby would have
my name!"
"Well," she said, "when my folks found out about my condition, we sat up all
night talkin' and talkin' and decided it would be better to have a bastard in
the family than a lawyer.
_____________________________________
A
housewife, an accountant and a lawyer were asked "How much is 2+2?"
The housewife replies: "Four!".
The accountant says: "I think it's either 3 or 4. Let me run those figures
through my spreadsheet one more time."
The lawyer pulls the drapes, dims the lights and asks in a hushed voice, "How
much do you want it to be?
____________________________________
For
three years, the young attorney had been taking his brief vacations at this
country inn. The last time he'd finally managed an affair with the innkeeper's
daughter. Looking forward to an exciting few days, he dragged his suitcase up
the stairs of the inn, then stopped short. There sat his lover with an infant on
her lap!
"Helen, why didn't you write when you learned you were pregnant?" he cried. "I
would have rushed up here, we could have gotten married, and the baby would have
my name!"
"Well," she said, "when my folks found out about my condition, we sat up all
night talkin' and talkin' and decided it would be better to have a bastard in
the family than a lawyer.
A
housewife, an accountant and a lawyer were asked "How much is 2+2?"
The housewife replies: "Four!".
The accountant says: "I think it's either 3 or 4. Let me run those figures
through my spreadsheet one more time."
The lawyer pulls the drapes, dims the lights and asks in a hushed voice, "How
much do you want it to be?
_____________________________________
For three years, the young
attorney had been taking his brief vacations at this country inn. The last time
he'd finally managed an affair with the innkeeper's daughter. Looking forward to
an exciting few days, he dragged his suitcase up the stairs of the inn, then
stopped short. There sat his lover with an infant on her lap!
"Helen, why didn't you write when you learned you were pregnant?" he cried. "I
would have rushed up here, we could have gotten married, and the baby would have
my name!"
"Well," she said, "when my folks found out about my condition, we sat up all
night talkin' and talkin' and decided it would be better to have a bastard in
the family than a lawyer.
_____________________________________
A
housewife, an accountant and a lawyer were asked "How much is 2+2?"
The housewife replies: "Four!".
The accountant says: "I think it's either 3 or 4. Let me run those figures
through my spreadsheet one more time."
The lawyer pulls the drapes, dims the lights and asks in a hushed voice, "How
much do you want it to be?
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