Blonde Jokes

 "Two Blonde Nuns"
 
Two blonde nuns are ordered to paint a room in the convent, and the last instruction of the Mother Superior is that they must not get even a drop of paint on their habits.

After conferring about this for a while, the two nuns decide to lock the door of the room, strip off their habits, and paint in the nude.
 
In the middle of the project, there comes a knock at the door.
 
"Who is it?" calls one of the nuns.
 
"Blind man," replies a voice from the other side of the door.
 
The two nuns look at each other, shrug, and decide that no harm can come from letting a blind man into the room.
 
They open the door.
 
"Nice boobs," says the man. "Where do you want these blinds?"
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SHE WAS SO0000 BLONDE THAT.....

She took a ruler to bed to see how long she slept. 
She sent me a fax with a stamp on it.
She thought a quarterback was a refund.
She tried to put M&M's in alphabetical order.
She thought Boyz II Men was a day care center.
She thought Eartha Kitt was a set of garden tools.
She thought General Motors was in the army.
She thought Meow Mix was a CD for cats.
She thought TuPac Shakur was a Jewish holiday.
Under "education" on her job application, she put "Hooked On Phonics."
She tripped over a cordless phone.
She told me to meet her at the corner of "WALK"  and "DON'T WALK."
At the bottom of the application where it says "sign here," she put "Sagittarius."
She asked for a price check at the Dollar Store.
She studied for a blood test.
She thought she needed a token to get on "Soul Train"
She sold the car for gas money!
When she missed the 44 bus, she took the  22 bus twice instead.
When she heard that 90% of all crimes occur  around the home, she moved.
She thinks Taco Bell is the Mexican phone company.
If she spoke her mind, she'd be speechless.
She thought that she could not use her AM radio in the evening.
She had a shirt that said "TGIF," which she thought  stood for "This Goes In Front."

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Blonde Dude

The blond opened his lunch and said, "Bologna again. If I get a bologna sandwich one more time I'm jumping too."

Next day the Irishman opens his lunch box, sees corned beef and cabbage and jumps to his death. The Mexican opens his lunch, sees a burrito and jumps too. The blond opens his lunch, sees the bologna and jumps to his death also.

At the funeral The Irishman's wife is weeping. She says, "If I'd known how really tired he was of corned beef and cabbage I never would have given it to him again!

The Mexican's wife also weeps and says, "I could have given him tacos or enchiladas! I didn't realize he hated burritos so much."

Everyone turned and stared at the blonde's wife. "Hey, don't look at me" she said. "He makes his own lunch."

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She Was Sooooooo Blond...

She Was Sooooooooooooo Blonde:

She took the ruler to bed to see how long she slept.
She sent me a fax with a stamp on it.
She thought a quarterback was a refund.
She put M&M's in alphabetical order.
She thought Boyz II Men was a day care center.
   
She Was Soooooooooooooooo Blonde:
She tripped over a cordless phone.
She spent 20 minutes looking at the orange juice can because it said, "concentrate."
She told me to meet her at the corner of "WALK" and " DON'T WALK."
She asked for a price check at the Dollar Store.
   
She Was Sooooooooooooooo Blonde:
She thought Eartha Kitt was a set of garden tools.
She thought General Motors was in the Army.
She thought Meow Mix was a CD for cats.
At the bottom of the application where it says, "sign here," she put "Sagittarius."
   
She Was Soooooooooooo Blond
She studied for a blood test.
She thought she needed a token to get on "Soul Train."
She sold the car for gas money!
When she missed the #44 bus, she took the #22 bus twice instead.
When she went to the airport and saw a sign that said "Airport Left she turned around and went home.
   
When she heard that 90% of all crimes occur around the home, she moved.
She thinks Taco Bell is the Mexican Phone Company.
  
If she spoke her mind, she'd be speechless.
She thought that she could not use her AM radio in the evening.
She had a shirt that said, "TGIF," which she thought stood for "This Goes in Front."

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Another Blond One

There was a competition to swim from Santa Monica to Catalina doing only the breaststroke, and the three women who entered the race were a brunette, a redhead and a blonde. After approximately 14 hours, the brunette staggered up on the shore and was declared the fastest breaststroker. About 40 minutes later, the Redhead crawled declared the second place finisher. Nearly 4 hours after that, the blonde finally came ashore and promptly collapsed in front of the worried onlookers.
When the reporters asked why it took her so long to complete the race, she replied, "I don't want to sound like I'm a sore loser, but I think those two other girls were using their arms."

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Police training

A policeman was interrogating 3 blondes who were training to become detectives. To test their skills in recognizing a suspect, he shows the first blonde a picture for 5 second and then hides it. "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?" The first blonde answers, "That's easy, we'll catch him fast because he only has one eye!" The policeman says, Well...uh...that's because the picture shows his profile." Slightly flustered by this ridiculous response, he flashes the picture for  5 seconds at the second blonde and asks her, "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?" The second blonde giggles, flips her hair and says,  "Ha!  He'd be too easy to catch because he only has one ear!" The policeman angrily responds, "What's the matter with you two??  Of course only one eye and one ear are SHOWING because it's a  picture of his profile!!  Is that the best answer you can come up with?  Extremely frustrated at this point, he shows the picture to the third blonde and in a very testy voice asks, "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?" He quickly adds "...think hard before giving me a stupid answer." The blonde looks at the picture intently for a moment and says, "Hmmmm...the suspect wears contact lenses." The policeman is surprised  and speechless because he really doesn't know himself if the suspect wears contacts or not. "Well, that's an interesting answer...wait here for a few minutes while I check his file and I'll get back to you on that." He leaves the room and goes to his office, checks the suspect's file in his computer, and comes back with a beaming smile on his face. "Wow! I can't believe it...it's TRUE! The suspect does in fact wear contact lenses. Good work! How were you able to make such an astute observation?" "That's easy," the blonde replied. "He can't wear regular glasses because he only has one eye and one ear."

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The Blonde and the Horse

A blonde decides to try horseback riding, even though she has had no lessons or prior experience. She mounts the horse, unassisted, and the horse immediately springs into motion. It gallops along at a steady and rhythmic pace, but the blonde begins to slip from the saddle. In terror, she grabs for the horse's mane, but cannot seem to get a firm grip. She tries to throw her arms around the horse's neck, but she slides down the side of the horse anyway. The horse gallops along, seemingly impervious to it's slipping rider. Finally, giving up her frail grip, the blonde attempts to leap away from the horse and throw herself to safety. Unfortunately, her foot has become entangled in the stirrup, she is now at the mercy of the horse's pounding hooves as her head is battered against the ground over and over. As her head is battered against the ground, she is moments away from unconsciousness when to her great fortune.......Bill, the WalMart greeter, sees her and unplugs the horse.

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Not All Blonds are Dumb

Two bored casino dealers are waiting at the craps table. A very attractive blonde lady comes in and wants to bet $10,000 on a single roll of the dice. And she adds, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm completely nude." With that she takes off everything but her necklace and rolls the dice while yelling, "Mama needs new clothes." Then she yells, "YES, YES, YES!! I WON, I WON, I WON." She begins jumping up and down and hugging both of the dealers. Then she picks up her money and her clothes and quickly leaves. The dealers just stare at each other dumbfounded. Finally one of them asks, "What did she roll, anyway?" The other answers, "I don't know. I thought YOU were watching."

Moral: Not all blondes are dumb.

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Smart Blonde!

A blonde walks into a bank in New York city and asks for the loan officer. She says she's going to Europe on business for two weeks and needs to  borrow $5,000. The bank officer says the bank will need some kind of security for the loan, so the blonde hands over the keys to a new Rolls Royce. The car is parked on the street in front of the bank, she has the title and everything checks out.  The bank agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan. The bank's president and its officers all enjoy a good laugh at the blonde for using a $250,000 Rolls as collateral against a $5,000 loan.
 
An employee of the bank then proceeds to drive the Rolls into the bank's underground garage and parks it there.
 
Two weeks later, the blonde returns, repays the $5,000 and the interest,  which comes to $15.41. The loan officer says, "Miss, we are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a multimillionaire. What puzzles us is, why would  you bother to borrow $5,000?"   The blond replies......................"Where else in New York City can I park my car for two weeks for only $15.41 and expect it to be there when I return?"
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THE BEST BLONDE JOKE OF THE YEAR - SO FAR

A man was in his front yard mowing grass when his attractive blond female neighbor came out of the house and went straight to the mailbox. She opened it then slammed it shut and stormed back in the house. A little later she came out of her house again went to the mail box and again opened it, slammed it shut again. Angrily, back into the house she went. As the
man was getting ready to edge the lawn, here she came out again, marched to the mail box, opened it and then slammed it closed harder than ever. Puzzled by her actions the man asked her, "Is something wrong?" To which she replied,  "There certainly is!"
    (are you ready?) ... this is a beauty ....
 
My stupid computer keeps saying, "YOU'VE GOT MAIL."

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The Blond & The Jag

The Jaguar XK140 Convertible
 
A young blonde female stock broker was bored with driving her BMW. It lacked individuality and besides that, every other girl in the office had one. She fancied something a bit more individual, perhaps an MG convertible.  That week she visited her local car dealer and spied a beautiful Jaguar XK140 convertible. It was wonderfully restored and she fell in love with
it's gorgeous red paint work.  An empty check tub later and off she was tearing down the leafy country lanes enjoying her beautiful new car.  Her long blonde hair was flowing in the wind, music blaring from the radio, what could possibly go wrong? With that thought, there was a splutter from the engine and the car slowly coasted to a stop.  She got out and lifted the bonnet and concluded after a few minutes that she didn't have a bloody clue what was wrong.  Luckily she had her
mobile phone with her and a quick phone call to the Auto Club and a short wait saw a bright shiny yellow van pull up behind her. "That's a lovely car," said the mechanic.  "What seems to be the matter?" Well, it just conked out I'm afraid." "Let me have look."  He set to work and ten minutes later the engine was purring like a cat again. "Thank goodness," she said.
"What was the matter?" "Simple really, just crap in the carburetor," he replied. Looking shocked she asked, "Oh, OK.  How many times a week do I have to do that?"

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The Blond & The Video

A blonde named Mary decides to do something really wild. Something she hasn't done before,.... so she goes out to rent her first X-rated adult video. She goes to the video store, and after looking around for a while, selects a title that sounds very stimulating. She drives home, lights some candles, slips into something comfortable, and puts the tape in the VCR.  To her disappointment, there's nothing but static on the screen, so she calls the video store to complain.
 
Mary:  "I just rented an adult movie from you and there's nothing on the tape but static."
 
Clerk: "Sorry about that.  We've had problems with some of those tapes.  Which title did you rent?"
 
Mary:  "Head Cleaner"

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THE WRONG BOOK...

Joke of the Day

The blonde walked up to the front desk of the library and said, "I  borrowed a book last week, but it was the most boring I've ever read. There was no story whatsoever, and there were far too many characters!"
 
The librarian replied, "Oh, you must be the person who took our phone book."

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You're really a blonde

A brunette goes into the doctor's office complaining that her body hurts everywhere she touches it.
 
"Impossible" says the doctor.  "Show Me."

She takes her finger and pushes her elbow and screams in agony.   She pushes her knee and screams again, pushes her ankle and screams and so it continues on and on.
 
Finally, the doctor smiles and says "You're not really a brunette, are you?
You're really a blonde".
 
"Why YES, doctor!", she replies amazed that he knew.  
 
"I though so," he says.  "Your finger is broken....."

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She Was Soooooooooooooo Blonde:

...she took a ruler to bed to see how long she slept.
...she sent me a fax with a stamp on it.
...she thought a quarterback was a refund.
....she tried to put M&M's in alphabetical order.
...she thought Boyz II Men was a day care center.
 

She Was Soooooooooooooo Blonde:
...she thought Eartha Kitt was a set of garden tools.
...she thought General Motors was in the army.
...she thought Meow Mix was a CD for cats.
....she thought TuPac Shakur was a Jewish holiday.
....under "education" on her job application, she put "Hooked On Phonics."
She Was Soooooooooooooo Blonde:
....she tripped over a cordless phone.
...she spent 20 minutes looking at the orange juice can because it said "concentrate."
...she told me to meet her at the corner of "WALK" and "ONE WAY."
...at the bottom of the application where it says "sign here," she put "Sagittarius."
...she asked for a price check at the Dollar Store.
She Was Soooooooooooooo Blonde:
...she studied for a blood test.
...she thought she needed a token to get on "Soul Train."

...she sold the car for gas money!

...when she missed the 44 bus, she took the 22 bus twice instead.
...when she went to the airport and saw a sign that said "Airport Left," she turned around and went home.

She Was Soooooooooooooo Blonde:
...when she heard that 90% of all crimes occur around the home, she moved.
...she thinks Taco Bell is the Mexican phone company.
...if she spoke her mind, she'd be speechless.
...she thought that she could not use her AM radio in the evening.
...she had a shirt that said "TGIF," which she thought stood for "This Goes In Front."

She Was Soooooooooooooo Blonde:
...she took a ruler to bed to see how long she slept.
...she sent me a fax with a stamp on it.
...she thought a quarterback was a refund.
....she tried to put M&M's in alphabetical order.
...she thought Boyz II Men was a day care center.
...she thought Eartha Kitt was a set of garden tools.
...she thought General Motors was in the army.
...she thought Meow Mix was a CD for cats.
....she thought TuPac Shakur was a Jewish holiday.
...under "education" on her job application, she put "Hooked On Phonics."
...she tripped over a cordless phone.
...she spent 20 minutes looking at the orange juice can because it said "concentrate."
...she told me to meet her at the corner of "WALK" and "ONE WAY."

...at the bottom of the application where it says "sign here," she put "Sagittarius."
...she asked for a price check at the Dollar Store.
...she studied for a blood test.
...she thought she needed a token to get on "Soul Train."
...she sold the car for gas money!
 ...when she missed the 44 bus, she took the 22 bus twice instead.
...when she went to the airport and saw a sign that said "Airport Left," she turned around and went home.
...when she heard that 90% of all crimes occur around the home, she moved.
...she thinks Taco Bell is the Mexican phone company.
...if she spoke her mind, she'd be speechless.
...she thought that she could not use her AM radio in the evening.
...she had a shirt that said "TGIF," which she thought stood for "This Goes In Front."
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blonde jokes

~What do you call an eternity?
Four Blondes in four cars at a four way stop.

~Why do Blondes have TGIF written on their shoes?
Toes Go In First.

~Three Blondes were driving to Disneyland.
After being in the car for four hours they finally saw a sign that said "Disneyland "Left", so they turned around and went home.

~What do SMART Blondes and UFO's have in common?
You always hear about them but never see them.

~What did the Blonde say when she opened the box of Cheerios?
Oh look, Daddy...Doughnut seeds.

~Why did the Blonde stare at the can of frozen orange juice?
Because it said concentrate.

~Why do blondes always smile during lightning storms?
They think their picture is being taken.

~How can you tell when a Blonde sends you a fax?
It has a stamp on it.

~Why can't Blondes dial 911?
They can't find the 11 on the phone!

~What do you do if a Blonde throws a pin at you?
Run, she's got a grenade in her mouth!

~How can you tell if a Blonde has been using your computer?
There is white-out all over the monitor.

~Why shouldn't Blondes have coffee breaks?
It takes too long to retrain them.

~A Blonde and a brunette were walking outside when the brunette said, "Oh look at the dead bird." The Blonde
looked skyward and said, "Where, where?"

~How do you drown a Blonde?
Put a scratch & sniff sticker at the bottom of the pool.

~Why does it take longer to build a Blonde snowman as opposed to a regular one?
You have to hollow out the head.

~How do you get a twinkle in a Blonde's eye?
Shine a flashlight in her ear.

~Hear about the blonde that got an AM radio?
It took her a month to realize she could play it at night.

~What happened to the blonde Ice Hockey Team?
They drowned in Spring Training.

~What did the blonde say when she saw the sign in front of the YMCA?
"Look! They spelled MACY'S wrong!"

~How do you make a blonde laugh on Saturday?
Tell her a joke on Wednesday.

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More Blond Jokes

Why did the blonde climb up to the roof of the bar?
She heard that the drinks were on the house.

Why did the blonde have blisters on her lips?
From trying to blow out lightbulbs.
 
Why did the blonde put her finger over the nail when she was hammering?
The noise gave her a headache.
 
What do you give the blonde who has everything?
Penicillin.
 
Why are only 2% of blondes touch-typists?
The rest are hunt'n peckers.

Why did the blonde climb over the glass wall?
To see what was on the other side.

What do you call a zit on a blonde's butt?
A brain tumor.
 
What do smart blondes and UFO's have in common?
You always hear about them but never see them.

A brunette, a blonde and a redhead are all in third grade. Who has the biggest boobs?
The blonde, she is 18.

What do most blondes get on an IQ test?
Drool.
 
These two blondes walk into a building. You'd think one of them would have seen it ...
 
One day a blonde went to a sea food restaurant and saw the tank where they kept the lobsters. She took pity on these creatures and hid them in her purse. Later she went to the woods to set the poor animals free.
 
Why does a blonde keep empty beer bottles in her fridge?
They are for those who don't drink!

How did the blonde die while drinking milk?
The cow sat down!
 
What's a blonde's favorite nursery rhyme?
Humpme Dumpme.
 
What goes Blonde, Brunette, Blonde, Brunette ?
A blonde doing cartwheels.
 
How many blondes does it take to make chocolate-chip cookies?
Three...one to mix the batter and two to squeeze the rabbit.

What do you call eight blondes in a freezer?
Frosted flakes

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What did the blonde say when he opened the box of Cheerios? Doughnut seeds!
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Why did the blonde tip toe past the medicine cabinet ?
So she wouldn't wake up the Sleeping Pills

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How can you tell a blonde is having a bad day?
When her tampon is behind her ear and she can't find her pencil!

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How did the blonde hurt herself raking the lawn?

She fell out of the tree!

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A Blonde suspects her boyfriend of cheating on her, so She goes out and buys a gun. She goes to his apartment unexpectedly and sure enough, she opens the door and finds him in the arms of a redhead. Well, the blond is angry, She opens her purse to take out the gun but as she does so, she is overcome with grief. She takes the gun and puts it to her head. The boyfriend yells "No, honey, don't do it." The blond replies "Shut up, you're next."

 
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A blonde was telling a priest a Pollock joke, when halfway through the priest interrupts her, "Don't you know I'm Polish?"

"Oh, I'm sorry," the blonde apologizes, "do you want me to start over and talk slower?"

Then I realized I was too late.

The new employee is somewhat reluctant, but with the boss's positive comments he finally agrees. So, the guy is there by himself for a little while and a white woman comes in. She asks, "How much for the white dildo?"
He answers, "$35."
She, "How much for the black one?"
He, "$35 for the black one, $35 for the white one."
She, "I think I'll take the black one. I've never had a black one before." She pays him, and off she goes.
A little bit later a black woman comes in and asks "How much for the black dildo?" He, "$35."
She, "How much for the white one?"
He, "$35 for the white one, $35 for the black one."
She, "I think I'll take the white one. I've never had a white one before." She pays him, and off she goes.
About an hour later a young blonde woman comes in and asks, "How much are your dildos?" He, "$35 for the white, $35 for the black."
She, How much is that plaid one on the shelf?"
He, "Well, that's a very special dildo it'll cost you $165."
She thinks for a moment and answers, "I'll take the plaid one, I've never had a plaid one before." She pays him, and off she goes.
Finally, the guy's boss returns and asks, "How did you do while I was gone?" To which the salesman responded, "I did really good, I sold one white dildo, one black dildo, and I sold your thermos for $165!"

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Another blonde sent a post card home:

"Having a wonderful time....Where am I?"

A blonde and a brunette were talking one day. The brunette said that her boyfriend had a slight dandruff problem but she gave him "Head and Shoulders" and it cleared it up. The blonde asked inquisitively, "How do you give shoulders?"

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A dumb blonde was bragging about her knowledge of the state capitals. She proudly said," go ahead,ask me, I know all of them."
A red head said, "O.K., what's the capital of Wisconsin?"
The blonde replied, "Oh, that's easy, W."

you dont appreicate either one till they go down on you

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why do blondes were underwear ?

to keep there ankles warm

A: It hurts their teeth

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What did the Blond say to her Doctor when he told her she was pregnant?
Is it mine?

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How do you know when a Blond has been using a computer?
There is White-Out on the screen.

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three blondes were stuck on an island. then, a magic ferry appeared and gave them each a wish. the first one asked to be really smart, so the ferry turned her into a red head and she swam off the island. the second blonde asked to be even smarter, so the ferry turned her into a brunette and she built a boat and sailed off the island. the third blonde asked to be smartest of them all and the ferry turned her into a man and he walked across the bridge.

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A blonde went to the appliance store sale and found a bargain. "I would like to buy this TV," she told the salesman. "Sorry, we don't sell to blondes," he replied.

She hurried home and dyed her hair, then came back and again told the salesman "I would like to buy this TV." "Sorry, we don't sell to blondes," he replied.

"Darn, he recognized me," she thought. She went for a complete disguise this time, haircut and new color, new outfit, big sunglasses, then waited a few days before she again approached the salesman. "I would like to buy this TV."

Sorry, we don't sell to blondes," he replied. Frustrated, she exclaimed "How do you know I'm a blonde?" "Because that's a microwave," he replied.

She says, "Why, officer?"

"Well, your breast is hanging out."

She looks down and says "OMIGOD, I left the baby on the bus!"

To which the blonde replies... "Early this morning I got a phone call saying that my mother had passed away."

The boss feeling very sorry at this point explains to the young girl. "Why don't you go home for the day... we aren't terribly busy just take the day off to relax and rest."

The blonde very calmly states..."No.. I'd be better off here. I need to keep my mind off it and I have the best chance of doing that here."

The boss agrees and allows the blond to work as usual... "If you need anything just let me know."

Well... a few hours pass and the boss decides to check on the blonde...he looks out over his office and sees the blonde hysterically crying!!!!!

He rushes out to her asking, "What's so bad now... are you gonna be okay??"

"No..." exclaims the blonde, "I just received a horrible call from my sister and she said that her mom died too!!"

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There was a brunette standing along side a busy road chanting "88, 88, 88, 88..." until a blonde came up to her and said, "that looks like fun, can I try?" The brunette said sure so the blonde chanted, "88, 88, 88, 88.." "Well," said the brunette, "that is fun. But what is even more fun is if you say it in the middle of the street" So the blonde said "OK" and stood in the middle of the street. "88, 88, 88, 88-" BAM! she was run over by a car, completely flattened. Along the side of the road, the brunette began to chant, "89, 89, 89, 89...

OK, so there's this blonde driving down the road in her brand new, candy-apple red, $125,000 Lamborghini. She's cruisin' about 95, radio blaring, having a great time. She comes up on this trucker who is carrying a double-wide home and is taking up both lanes. To her disliking, he is only going about 45. To get the point across that she wants to get past, she decides to tailgate him. So, she gets to within a foot of his rear bumper. The trucker looks back and sees her on his ass, and motions for her to get off of it, but to her it looks like a wave and she waves back. Since her first attempt was futile, she decided to get a little closer and begin flashing her headlights, hopefully making herself more visible in the process. Once again the trucker sees her on his ass, and this time motions for her to pull over to the side of the road.

The trucker steps out of his vehicle with a chunk of chalk and draws a circle three feet in diameter in the middle of the road. He instructs her not to move until he tells her to. Naive as she was, she agrees to it and steps inside it.

The trucker goes back to his truck and pulls out a 50-ounce Louisville Slugger. He walks over to the Lamborghini and beats it, and beats it, and beats it again. When he is done, all that is left is a brand new, candy-apple red, $125,000 pile of metal. Satisfied, he throws the bat in his truck and walks over to the blonde. When he gets there, to his astonishment, she is rolling around on the street laughing hysterically. He asks her, "Why are you laughing? I just beat the crap out of your car!!" She is laughing too hard to respond, but between giggles he can make out, "While you weren't looking I stepped out of the circle!"

He smiled at her and replied, "S-H-I-T." She looked at him, puzzled, and said "T-G-I-F" again.

He acknowledged her remark again by answering, "S-H-I-T."

The blonde was trying to be friendly, so she smiled her biggest smile and said, as sweetly as possible, "T-G-I-F" another time.

The man smiled back to her and once again replied with a quizzical expression, "S-H-I-T."

The blonde finally decided to explain things, and this time she said, "T-G-I-F, Thank Goodness It's Friday, get it?"

The man answered, "S-H-I-T: Sorry Honey, It's Thursday."

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Why do blondes wash their hair in the kitchen?
That's the proper place to wash vegetables.

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Q: What is a Blondes favorite nursary rhyme?
A: Hump me dump me

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What do you do if a blond throws a grenade at you?
Pull the pin and throw it back.

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A beautiful, well-dressed blonde seats herself in the first class cabin on a cross-country flight, and settles herself in for the trip, smiling prettily at admiring passengers seated around her.

Underway, a flight attendant soon approaches the blonde and says, 'Miss, I'm sorry, but I see that your ticket is for coach, and you're seated in first class; I'm afraid you'll have to move.'

The blonde replies, 'I'm blonde, and I'm beautiful, and I'm going to New York to be a model.'

Slightly incredulous, the attendant alerts the senior flight attendant.

The senior attendant approaches the blonde and says, politely, 'I'm sorry, Miss, but since your ticket is for coach, you'll have to move back.'

The blonde replies, sweetly, 'I'm blonde, and I'm beautiful, and I'm going to New York to be a model' -- and shows no signs of moving.

Frustrated, the senior attendant informs the captain, and he says he'll deal with the problem. He turns over flight control, walks to the rear, and observes the blonde seated comfortably in first class.

Approaching her with a smile, the captain leans over and speaks quietly into the blonde's ear. Almost immediately, the blonde gathers her things, gets up, and moves quickly to the coach compartment.

Amazed, the senior flight attendant asks the captain, 'Captain, I'm impressed ... what did you say to her?'

The captain grinned slyly and said, 'I just told her that the first class cabin doesn't go to New York.'

A blonde goes for a job interview in an office. The interviewer decides to start with the basics. 'So, Miss, can you tell us your age, please?'

The blonde counts carefully on her fingers for about 30 seconds before replying, 'Ehhhh .. 22!'

The interviewer tries another straightforward one to break the ice. 'And can you tell us your height, please?'

The young lady stands up and produces a measuring tape from her handbag. She then traps one end under her foot and extends the tape to the top of her head. She checks the measurement and announces, 'Five foot two!'

This isn't looking good so the interviewer goes for the real basics. 'And uhh, just to confirm for our records, your name please?'

The blonde bobs her head from side to side for about twenty seconds, mouthing something silently to herself, before replying, 'Mandy'

The interviewer is completely baffled at this stage, so he asks, 'Just out of curiosity, Miss. We can understand your counting on your fingers to work out your age, and the measuring tape for your height is obvious, but what were you doing when we asked you your name?'

'Oh that!', replies the blonde, 'That's just me running through 'Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you....''

_______________________________________________

Why do blondes use so much shampoo?
The instructions read: LATHER, RINSE, REPEAT
________________________________
 

1. Q: What do you call a blonde with half a brain?
A: Gifted!

2. Q: How do blonde braincells die ?
A: Alone.

3. Q: How do you brainwash a blonde?
A: Give her a douche and shake her upside down.

4. Q: What do you call it when a blonde dies their hair brunette?
A: Artificial intelligence.

5. Q: How does a blonde part their hair?
A: (Action of scissoring legs apart)

6. Q: Why do blondes wash their hair in the sink?
A: Because, that's where you're supposed to wash vegetables!

7. Q: Why didn't the blonde want a window seat on the plane?
A: She'd just dyed her hair.

8. Q: Why didn't the blonde want a window seat on the plane?
A: She'd just blow dried her hair and she didn't want it blown around too much.

9. Q: Why do blondes wear their hair up?
A: To catch as much as they can that is over their heads.

10. Q: Why is it good to have a blonde passenger?
A: You can park in the handicap zone.

11. Q: Why is a blonde like a turtle?
A: They both get fucked up when they're on their back.

12. Q: How do you make a blonde's eyes light up?
A: Shine a flashlight in their ear.

13. Q: Why should blondes not be given coffee breaks?
A: It takes too long to retrain them.

14. Q: How can you tell if a blonde's been using the computer?
A: There's white-out on the screen.

15. Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a computer?
A: You only have to punch information into a computer once.

16. Q: What do a blonde and your computer have in common? A: You don't know how much either of them mean to you until they go down on you.

17. Q: What did the blonde think of the new computer?
A: She didn't like it 'cos she couldn't get channel 9....

18. Q: Why do blondes wear shoulder pads?
A: (With a rocking of the head from side to side) I dunno!

19. Q: How do you kill a blonde?
A: Put spikes in their shoulder pads.

20. Q: How do blondes pierce their ears?
A: They put tacks in their shoulder pads.

21. Q: Why don't blondes eat Jello?
A: They can't figure out how to get two cups of water into those little packages.

22. Q: What do you call a blonde with a dollar on the top of their head?
A: All you can eat, under a buck.

23. Q: Why don't blondes eat pickles?
A: Because they can't get their head in the jar.

24. Q: Why don't blondes eat bananas?
A: They can't find the zipper.

25. Q: Why do blondes wear hoop earings?
A: They have to have some place to rest their ankles.

26. Q: What does a blonde put behind her ears to make her more attractive?
A: Her ankles.

27. Q: Why do blondes wear green lipstick?
A: Because red means stop.

28. Q: Why do blondes wear red lipstick?
A: Because red means "Stop, wrong hole."

29. Q: How can you tell if a blonde has been in your refrigerator?
A: By the lipstick on your cucumbers.

30. Q: Why don't blondes use vibrators?
A: They chip their teeth.

31. Q: Why do blondes wear underwear?
A: They make good ankle warmers.

32. Q: What do blondes do for foreplay?
A: Remove their underwear.

33. Q: What's the mating call of the blonde?
A: "I'm *sooo* drunk!"

34. Q: What is the mating call of the ugly blonde?
A: (Screaming) "I said: I'm drunk!"

35. Q: What's the mating call of the brunette?
A: "All the blondes have gone home!"

36. Q: What's a brunette's mating call ?
A: Has that blonde gone yet?

37. Q: What's the mating call of the redhead?
A: "Next!"

38. Q: Why do Blondes like the GST? (GST -- Goods and Services Tax now in effect in Canada)
A: Because they can spell it.

39. Q: What is 74 to a blonde?
A: 69 plus G.S.T.

40. Q: Why do Blondes have TGIF on their shoes?
A: Toes go in first.

41. Q: Why do Blondes have TGIF on their shirts?
A: Tits go in front.

42. Q: What do you say to a Blonde that won't give in?
A: "Have another beer."

43. Q: What do blondes do with their arseholes in the morning ?
A: Pack their lunch and send them to work.

44. Q: What's the first thing a blonde does in the morning?
A1: Introduces themself.

45. Q: How does a blonde like her eggs in the morning?
A: Unfertilised.

47. Q: What's the first thing a blonde does after sex?
A: Opens the car door.

48. Q: How do blondes turn the light on after sex ?
A: Kick open the car door.

49. Q: Why do blondes like tilt steering?
A: More head room.

50. Q: Why do blondes drive cars with sunroofs?
A: More leg room.

51. Q: What is the worst thing about sex with a blond?
A: Bucket seats.

52. Q: What do Blondes say after sex?
A1: Are you boys all in the same band?

53. Q: What important question does a blonde ask his/her mate before having sex?
A: Do you want this by the hour, or the flat rate?

54. Q: Why do blonde girls have trouble achieving orgasm?
A: *Who cares?*

55. Q: Why do blonds have orgasms ?
A: So they know when to stop having sex !

56. Q: How do you tell when a blonde reaches orgasm????
A1: She drops her nail-file!!!
A2: Who cares?
A3: She says 'Next'
A4: The next person in the queue taps you on the shoulder
A5: He's had his clothes for about 2 minutes
A6: I mean, who really cares?
A7: The batteries have run out.

57. Q: What does a blonde say when you blow in their ear?
A: "Thanks for the refill!"

58. Q: What is it called when a blonde blows in another blond's ear?
A: Data transfer.

59. Q: Why do blondes have more fun?
A: Because they don't know any better.

60. Q: How many blondes does it take to change a lightbulb?
A1: "What's a lightbulb?"
A2: One. She holds the bulb and the world revolves around her.
A3: Two. One to hold the Diet Pepsi, and one to call, "Daaady!"

61. Q: What's a blonde's favourite wine?
A: "Daaaady, I want to go to Miaaami!"

62. Q: What does a peroxide blonde and a 747 have in common?
A1: They both have a black box.
A2: Both have a cockpit.

63. Q: What is the difference between a blond and a 747?
A: Not everyone has been in a 747

64. Q: What does a dumb blonde say when she gives birth?
A: Gee, Are you sure it's mine?

65. Q: What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant?
A: "Are you sure it's mine?"

66. Q: How do you get a blonde pregnant?
A: Come in her shoes and let the flies do the rest.

67. Q: How do you get a blonde to marry you?
A: Tell her she's pregnant.

68. Q: What will she ask you?
A: "Is it mine?"

69. Q: Santa Claus, the Tooth Fairy, a dumb blonde, and a smart blonde are walking down the street when they spot a $10 bill. Who picks it up?
A: The dumb blonde! because, there is no such thing as Santa Claus, the tooth fairy, or a smart blonde.

70. Q: Why did the blonde climb the glass wall?
A: To see what was on the other side.

71. Q: What do you do when a blonde throes a hand grenade at you?
A: Pull the pin and throw it back.

72. Q: Why do Blondes take the pill?
A: So they know what day of the week it is.

73. Q: Why did the blonde stop using the pill?
A: Because it kept falling out.

74. Q: But why do brunettes take the pill ?
A: Wishful Thinking.

75. Q: Why did the blonde have a sore navel?
A: Because her boyfriend was also blond!

76. Q: If a blonde and a brunette are tossed off a building, who hits the
ground first? A: The brunette. The blonde has to stop to ask for
directions.

77. Q: What happens when a blonde gets Alzheimers disease?
A: Her IQ goes up!

78. Q: Whats the difference between a blonde and a Porsche?
A: You don't lend the Porsche out to your friend.

79. Q: What is the difference between butter and a blonde?
A: Butter is difficult to spread.

80. Q: What is the difference between a blonde and a bowling ball?
A: You can only get three fingers in a bowling ball.

81. Q: What is the difference between a blonde and "The Titanic"?
A: They know how many men went down on "The Titanic".

82. Q: What is the difference between a smart blonde and Bigfoot?
A: Bigfoot has been spotted.

83. Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a telephone?
A: It costs 25 cents to use a telephone.

84. Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a guy?
A: The blonde has the higher sperm count.

85. Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a limo?
A: Not everybody has been in a limo.

86. Q: What's the difference between a tribe of sly pygmies and a blonde track team?
A: One's a bunch a cunning runts ...

87. Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a toothbrush?
A: You don't let your best friend borrow your toothbrush.

88. Q: What's the difference between a blonde and your job?
A: Your job still sucks after 6 months.

89. Q: What's the difference between a blond having her period and a terrorist?
A: You can negotiate with a terrorist.

90. Q: Why is a washing machine better than a blonde?
A: Because you can drop your load in a washing machine, and it won't follow you around for a week.

91. Q: What do blondes and cow-pats have in common ?
A: They both get easier to pick-up with age.

92. Q: What does a screen door and a blonde have in common?
A: The more you bang it the looser it gets.

93. Q: What does a blond and a beer bottle have in common?
A: They're both empty from the neck up.

94. Q: What do blonds and spagetthii have in common?
A: They both wriggle when you eat them.

95. Q: What do peroxide blonds and black men have in common?
A: They both have black roots.

96. Q: Why did the deaf blond sit on a newspaper?
A: So she could lip read.

97. Q: How do you drown a blond?
A: Put a mirror at the bottom of the pool.

98. Q: How do you drown a blonde?
A: Don't tell her to swallow.

99. Q: Why did the blonde drown in the pool ?
A: Someone left a scratch and sniff at the bottom of the pool.

100. Q: Why do blonds have square boobs?
A: Because they forgot to take the tissues out of the box.

101. Q: How many blondes does it take to make chocolate-chip cookies?
A1: 10. One to mix the dough and nine to peel the smarties.
A2: Three...one to mix the batter and two to squeeze the rabbit.

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